just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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