Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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