so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
