Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Randomize
