He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
