I skipped work to stalk him.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
