HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
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