I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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