i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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