WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
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