I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
The beer is more important than you right now.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
