Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
