need another drink. this is the easiest way
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
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