I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Randomize
