I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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