great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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