ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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