My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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