Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
