I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Can vaginas get frostbite?
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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