does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
