he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
