my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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