I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
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