They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Randomize
