and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Randomize
