He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
