Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
