bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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