the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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