I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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