insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
