I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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