I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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