my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
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Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
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THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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