Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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