Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
