The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
We have so much sex to catch up on
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
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