Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
