If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
