It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
