I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
