i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
