I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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