What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
