dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
