so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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