So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
