Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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