i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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