I met the friendliest cop last night
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
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