I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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