I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize