I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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