At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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