i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
