he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
