she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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