I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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