I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
