I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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